nak guitar tp duit tak cukup

adoi sangap nye nak main gitar. If I know my calluses better they tend to soften if I let 'em rest for too long. They're gonna hurt when I get back for sure. Oh guitar oh guitar.

Dh la tengah sale skarang duit pulak tak cukup. Nak guitar okay, sakit la tangan main gitar kapok ni. Macam mane nak cukop duit ni?

a) Cancel gym tp nanti gumok.
b) Starve for 2 months (bagus boleh kuruskan badan)
c) Jual badan (haram!)
d) Curik guitar orang.

Haih boxing day ntah kemane nafsu shopping ku dh hilang. Dalam kepale asyik fikir nak:

a) guitar
b) Egypt electives
c) kawen? aiyoyoooo lagi duit takde....
d) rumah
e) kete
f) hutang YT and Mara

Aiyo dh la bil letrik dah  naik, bil tepon dh naik apehal sme bil naik nih. If I know adulthood (am I in it yet?) is this horrible, I wouldn't be in a hurry to grow up!

SHE messaged me on Youtube!

Marnee OMG OMG

macam tahap pakcik Mckee!!. I've got tickets for his show in Brizzle in Feb! can't wait.

Now I feel like I want to play guitar until putus jari. Sedikit obsession di situ but rasenye I like guitars more than some people. Especially some people. Let me put this politely to you.

a) Grow up
b) Stop throwing tantrums
c) Stop using people
d) Stop being selfish


Please pretty please with sugar on top?

I am such a mean girl. Takpe 1st Jan nnt saye tukar jadi good girl.

nak main guitar nak main guitar nak main guitar. Let me be.

xx

Hello Stranger

Hello stranger, let me tell you something.

THE WORLD IS IMPERFECT. If you go through it expecting perfection, you're in deep shit.

And the pretty scenes cannot be real if you don't hold the brush properly.

I prefer riding the rough waves, and gasp for breath when I have the chance then drowning and pretending that I am not.

Sunfeet by Eisley

" I don't know, I can't contain my heartbeat,
  I am dancing, shrouded by green trees,
  I am whirling, wearing my sunfeet,
  And lulling children to sleep"

This is such a great band.

I am such a sucker for girls who can play the guitar.

And look at this girl! She's amazing! I cry when I compare myself to her. Clumsy fingers T_T




xx

Why the Mirror Lies

Everyone is always saying that one should judge oneself first before judging others.

Well excuse me Mr Everyone my mirror is broken so I can't see my own reflection.

Instead of being defensive, why not take what the world thinks of you with a pinch of salt?

You can be satisfied with your distorted reflection or down the bitter pill of truth with a glass of sweet apple juice in one go. You decide.

What's wrong with being two-faced if you build your faces around what the world needs. The world does not need you stomping around in your tiny pathetic world of immature folly. The world needs you when you're lovely and giving, understanding and appreciative because it has to be reciprocal you see.

Even your lonely relationship with the mirror is reciprocal. Consider this:

The mirror can lie to you and tells you that you're ugly when you're beautiful, that you're fat when you're not, that you're naked when you're clothed.

OR

You tell the mirror what you want to see, and when it's telling you the truth, you turn your back to it. You deny the ugly piece of flesh that you are. You refuse to see your own reflection.

All I am saying is that some times truth hurts, and it hurts even more when it's not from your own mirror. But truth is truth nevertheless, no matter how ugly it is. At least you get to see it before it grows to monstrous proportions.


Mirror, mirror, let's be truthful to each other shall we? Because I can take my ugly reflection better if you be the one who tells me so first.

This picture is disturbing.

Tunang is Annoying

Hai la tunang, nak terase jugak ker dengan banner baru ku? mengade la you ni okay okay i love my guitar more than you except you. Pastu harus ke letak status invisible kat the selfish girl tapi tak invisible kat you?


Lovely
You are so lovely,
I want to cook you a curry,
And everything that is nice and furry,
Is for you and me only.

okay mince pies are lovely.

xoxo (OMG gossip girl)

God is Greater than you....

This poem needs melodies!!


Hey laughing people,
Hey everybody,
Hey sunshine dear, listen to me,
Oh Mam, Oh Sir you too,
Haven't you heard?
God is Greater than you!

Afloat on the sea,
Standing by the tree,
Sitting here with you,
Tell me your fortune,
Tell me with truth,
God is Greater than you!

Lonely hearts begged,
Dirty feet ragged,
They waited with fright,
Because they see the oh so Might,
In the deepest depth of the lonely night,
So when you're judged darling,
Were you good or bad?
Sit up and smile,
Don't be so sad,
This is where we adieu,
For God is Greater than you.

I wish I have the ability to make music and not just playing people's work. T_T

Inspired, Inspiration, Inspire, EXPIRED

Last Sunday, I had my first "jamming session". We played 2 songs Where ever You Will Go by The Calling and There She Goes by The LAs complete with lead, rhythm and base guitars. Such a dear diary moment, I think playing together is so much more fun than playing solo.


Finger picking is going great, C and F chords sound nicer now, not using capo at all, learnt 4 songs in 4 days, managed to figure out Unintended intro (with help) okay I'm not going too bad I suppose.

It's hard to be inspired when you're stuck here. All I can see is snow, deers, ambulances, dying patients, dead patients, overpriced hospital food, the need to speak in English 24/7...... aku nak cakap bahasa melayu lah skarang.

Tadi mase ward round, ade this lady, umur baru 28 tahun, just diagnosed with NK T cell lymphoma in the summer. Besar kemungkinan will be dead minggu ni. Tapi kenape aku tak rase sedih? Tak rase kesian pun. Last year, aku nangis tg pakcik tu mati atas stretcher (tapi mase tu first day medicine and surgery bengong punyer doktor suro aku ikut tgk pakcik yg dh mati watpe, what can i possibly learn?) Ok aku rase kesian kat die,tapi kalau die mati minggu ni, there will be extra bed in the hospital for other people. Tapi kan tadi lepas ward round, I walked out of the ward, pastu nampak husband of the lady yang sakit tu, he looked so small and meek. She's not going to make it through this week, how does he feel? Mungkin baru je kahwin. Oh bile tulis baru rase sedih. Bagus, nampaknye diri ku ini telah pandai membina benteng emosi dgn pesakit. Shit terenye BM aku. Minggu lepas ade sorang pesakit lelaki ni, die pun ade ape ntah, leukemia ke lymphoma, anyways, die pun mase jumpa die last week, mcm dh nak mati, this week mmg betul2 dh pergi to the next life. Minggu lepas aku pergi tgk post mortem. Ade nenek ni, pagi tu die kate sakit belakang, bawak pergi jumpa GP, GP ingat sakit air kencing (UTI= sakit air kencing?/pundi kencing/buah pinggang??? banyak sgt organ aku tak tau which one is which), pastu kasi nenek tu antibiotik, nenek tu keluar je klinik, rebah pastu mati dlm perjalan ke hospital. Rupenye die ade aortic aneurysm, maksudnye saluran darah die pecah. Aku nampak la badan die kene potong, darah tu mcm tasik dlm abdominal cavity die. Bau macam ayam. Mayat orang bau macam ayam. Aku tak suka masuk rumah mayat, aku tak suke tgk mayat orang, and I DONT LIKE CHICKEN.

DEATH DEATH DEATH

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE INSPIRED? These people will expire soon, this is so disturbing. I can't wait to go out of this place.




At least there are some more mince pies....NYUM!

My legal temporary high

Okay so I know there are infinitely more important things in life to solve than playing guitar eg: ending poverty, stop war, being green, finding peace with God...... which should actually be top of my list of things to do. Oh dear.

So I admit I'm probably the plainest of the plainest of the plainest of people, I'll always be a mediocre student and will be a mediocre doctor but this thing is my temporary high that I like, so please be supportive. I'm a nicer person to be with because I let my frustration out on the guitar.

Tricks I learn this week from our weekly guitar classes:

1. Anchor pinkie on the body of the guitar and pick using all of your fingers. Don't be lazy and use only your thumb and index finger, all fingers need to be dextrous.

2. Sing when you play so you keep up with the tempo; alternatively play along with the audio so that you're always in beat.

3. Chord progression. CHORD ProGressION. Can't be stressed enough.

I got these lovely guitar associated birthday presents from really kind people. Thank you! I appreciate them very much!

Thanks Farah!

aaaa....I don't the picture of it, but I got a lovely thick book of all guitar chords from Syafiq. Thank you! I will practice more.

To my calluses, you guys are ugly, but I love you so much. Keep laying down those collagen strands and make yourself fatter and harder. And please kill all of the pain and pressure receptors.

xx

SnoW and Guitar Converts

We're not through November yet and it's snowing now. I can foresee a long dark winter, oh I can't wait for Turkey trip it's going to be fun!

So anywhoo, I managed to convert more girls to be guitar freaks like moi. Woohoo, spread the addiction around, Bristol now, the Universe tomorrow. Oh I wish I had taken a picture of her guitar just now, it's a lovely Spanish made classical guitar bought at a charity shop. Somebody had been really disrespectful to it, the head was cracked in so many ways and there were bubbles on its body. It still sounds nice though, and I really enjoyed myself playing it. This addiction is spiraling out of control.


More stupid poems coming up.

The Moon is Chasing Us

Driving through the night,
We drove through the night,
The wind howled so,
In a loudly silent flow.

We said to each other,
Look hey look my dear,
The moon is chasing us.
Quick, he's right behind us!
He's up, he's down and he's all around,
Look he's smiling down,
As we drove through the town.

It's dark yet it's bright,
It's calm yet it's a fight,
With the silver shadows of the lonely lagoon,
We trade the sun for the rays of the moon,
Like the Northern Star, constant we will be,
Time can have our bodies,
But our minds will always be free.


xx

It's tiring to be loud

Yup it's tiring to be loud. I'll stay quietly in a corner next time.

LONELY SPECTATOR

Hello lonely spectator,
Why are you still here?
The lights are gone, the curtains are down,
The one you held so dear,
Is no longer here.

Stop the applause, stop the cheer,
She can't hear you if that's what you fear,
Her time is up, and she has stop,
Singing her song but she tried for so long,
Her pretty voice had croaked, her dress was soaked,
All the time mending,
Her lonely heart you broke.

Hello lonely spectator,
Can you keep a secret?
In every drunken fetor,
You lugged in every winter,
Your muse, your goddess, your lullaby,
She was dying to fly,
In the blink of an eye,
She sang a goodbye,
Meant for you, oh don't be sly,
She flew soon after you died.



I don't want to leave this cold room. Not even for a warm room if it meant not going to the gym for five days! Blubbery blubber laden doctors. HUH! you should give us a free gym!

This blog is stupid.

secret

This is a trick that works for me.



Slow Down! After the major emotional trauma of not being able to play C chord properly, it was all I practiced for 2 days, just try to get the C chord right and on the third day it miraculously got better. Just like that. My C chord sounds nice now. The fingers just know where they have to be to not mute the other strings and with the right amount of pressure, everything sounds like what they should sound like now.

Yes this is the way to go. Back to basics, because we want to play it right and not "sounds like it"

What the hell am I rumbling about?

Yeay guitar neck is fixed!

xx

Exciting yet Dispiriting.

Harumph! What's the point of playing the guitar if I can't even play the C chord right. It buzzes, it mutes, it's painful, and it still doesn't sound right. I've been lazy lately, because I'll put a capo in the 1st or 2nd fret to make it easier, but you're not training your fingers dummy!! Ergh, it's really annoying and very frustrating, it's an easy chord, everyone can do it, yet I can't do it properly. Even my barre chords sound better than my C chord. It has got to a point where I think there are only a few options available now:

a) Cut out the pad of my index finger so it doesn't mute the high E string

b) Practice until my fingers fall to pieces

c) Get an electric guitar because it doesn't sound too bad when I play it on the electric guitar

d) Get a short scale acoustic guitar because the chord sounds lovely on my mini 3/4 classical guitar.

e) Bare with it.

Some people think it's a pointless pursuit, but I feel that playing the guitar gives me a sense of achievement. Many a times I'm embarrassed to play with other players because I know I'll never be good enough, but I've learn to be thick skinned and just play. No inhibition whatsoever. I started from scratch and will be rubbish until I'm old enough to put this down but at least I have convinced myself that I tried!

I love Justin Sandercoe, he is a good guitar teacher, and I got this off his website. A friend introduced me to Steve Vai last year and what a surprise! He's very articulate. I think he says exactly how I feel about guitar so well. See, it's dedication as well as talent. Minus the talent, I might be able to get the dedication part right. Keep practicing!

Trolls and goblins

Am I too old to still be scared of trolls and goblins? Fairies, pixies, kings and princesses... all from the deep depth of time, where everything is bright and lovely.

I want to wake up in the strawberry meadows, set on a background of rolling hills with just a hint of cloudy skies pregnant with gentle rain. Roll around in the sweet swelling fields, where ants and bees don't sting. And when Mrs Rain starts to tear up, I will run  glide softly to the cabin, my mother will hand me a steaming cup of cocoa and I can cocoon myself under a warm blanket, and chase the raindrops on the window pane.

Time is not a nice person. Why do you want to race with me when you know I will always lose? You never stop and stare, in fact, you run so fast I'm out of breath just trying to keep with you. Stop racing with me, give me back what was rightly mine. Stop aging me just because you're old. I want my time back, I want to keep what I lost and I want to feel my childhood again. You just have to take it away from me right? You selfish beast. All you do is age all the lovely things in this world. Why? Are you keeping tabs on who you take? You've got us all. Enough is enough time. Let me be constant for once.


I've got a problem with Mr Time. He's horrible.

Blubber

Why didn't anybody introduce me to Judy Blume? She's great! I finished this book in the span of a day of shopping and dining out; too good to put it down.

Blubber, Baby Brenner, Peanut Butter

Guitar not going too well....*sobs*

For Susie

Susie,
Why do you swim in still waters,
Was it not enough the colours,
Of your beautiful life, So plain to see,
You're too pretty for him.

Now tell him Susie,
He waited for you under the apple tree,
You were ready to sail the sea,
He begged for you to stay,
But again you pushed him away.

You leaned to him silently,
Yet you always wanted to fly free,
So tell him Susie,
While he lays here peacefully,
Time and time again,
You're under and over treating the pain,
Where is the small piece you called a heart?
He knew you did not make the cut,
Please come home Susie,
He misses you dearly.

KILL me now Please. I cannot stand another pathology lecture.

Medicine and Poetry

Saw this article in the most recent Student BMJ. I couldn't agree more. Being able to reflect on one's own experience is an invaluable skill that everyone should have, especially medics. Not only will this stop you from marching your to your own drum, reflection makes you more aware of your surroundings, fine tuning the soft skills needed to make patients/other medical professionals at ease with you. And what better way to reflect than to write poetry? I know I like poetry because I love literature from a very young age. A lot of people moan and groan when asked to do a reflective piece, but hey you're only expected to do creative piece during your 5 years in med school, after this you'll work like robots/slaves so I guess enjoy this while you can. Writing poetry is fun, makes you more alert to how each word sounds, rhythm, metaphors, imagination, music, ... the list goes on.

I love poetry so much. Nobody can take this away from me.

The guitar buzzes so..

It's easy to be angry and muck about, but it's so much harder to be the bigger person. I guess being selfish is easier still.

Still angry, still think people are so selfish, I would never do that, but hey, selfishness is okay I guess. Maybe this is my burden I have to carry for a lifetime of not giving. I would never think it's okay to be selfish. It's okay to be a SHELL- FISH!

It's not right when the  strings still buzz!! Shit, I've got to get this fixed! Or I will die of ringing guitar strings.

xx

The Last Train Home

If I can catch the last train home,
Maybe you would drive the mile,
And meet me there.

Faces of theirs,
Painful memories in this,
Deserted station filled,
My heart but you see,
I'm trying, running, dying to get home.

Clouds running low,
The heavens broke into tears,
Pitter patter they splattered,
The cold platform,
Overgrown with desire,
Longing and fear,
Of the past so cosy,
So warm and so lovely.

I hurried I did,
The tickets I bought with,
My future because,
I just want to be,
With you my dear.

Yet I forgot,
The train has stopped,
At the end of the track,
You've stepped out,
And waved goodbye.

Many faces, many places,
If they can count,
The colourful times we had,
Take the pain away,
Linking love again and again,
Tell them this and this only,
We are cold, we are lonely,
All because we missed,
Boarding our happy train.

My baby is alive again..!

Yahooo! New strings and I learn how to restring the guitar!

during operation

So excited....!

Finished product

yeay!

so sad

On Sunday I had my first experience of playing rhythm guitar whilst another person plays the lead. That was fun but I messed up a lot which was stupid considering I could play that song ages ago. The nerves!

too nervous!

My phone's videocam is NOT impressive. Tut tut android. How are you going to challenge Apple? I can't record anything that sounds half decent on this!

I was so miserable because he was there so I ended up playing Go Away by Eisley more than a hundred times that day. My housemates must be raking up their ears by now. Sorry...

There is no solid ground. I am so confused.

Have you had the feeling where you feel like you are in between? Of right and wrong. Of black and white. It's difficult and sometimes I want to throw all of it away. Out from the white rays of the right ones. But I don't want to go into the darkness as well. Why can't I be gray? Why do I have to choose?

I heard lovely hymns from the church behind my house as I walked home this evening. Such a perfect ending to a good day. Thank you God.

You seemed so angry at me when I want to do something you don't approve of. Why? Because I can't be as good as you? Because you never have to face these inner demons that I battle everyday? You have your way, I have mine. I want to get to the end just as much as you do, but my path is different from yours. You don't have to save me. My guilt does not belong to you.

On a different note, my guitar needs restringing. Can't wait for the weekend to come! Yeehaw..new strings! New songs to learn! New people to play with!

Sleepless Insomniac

What an idiotic title. Ergh. I hate going back this late.

Anywhoos, Mr Postman has been very nice...this came in through the post.

Woo hoo!! Brightly coloured picks!!!!

No more messing around with missing picks....and trips to that really- really snotty Music Store. Hah!

And these took nearly 3 weeks to die. This ain't right. What chemicals do they put in that water?

After dinner date

3 weeks later

......... This place is so lovely.........

NABUN i DEDICATE this to YOU.....!!

I hang around with weird people.

Nabun had a major bitch fight on Thursday. I've never had a bitch fight before. Something happened between Nabun and her "friend".....somebody's not going to get a lift to the hospital now!!Nabun this song is for you. Please don't have a fight with me. I need a lift to Swindon nanti....

Dorks 1

Dorks 2

Dorks 3

Normal for once!

I need to study! Anyone else for Goo Goo Dolls 16th Nov O2 Academy? Or else I would have to go with Nabun only and it would be awkward because she's weird.

Sorry Nabun I really need that car ride!


xxxxxxxx

cats

I saw a lovely gray cat today, sniffing around the garbage bins. He was so adorable, so I picked him up and started to cuddle him like I always do to my cats back home. One of my neighbors came back as I was playing with him, so we decided to let him in because outside was freezing. He ran straight inside and up the stairs, he knew where my flat is!!

Adorable little kitty.... He ran around my flat like it was his house. I had to harden my heart to put him out again in the cold. I hope he has a place to go to tonight.

1 hour later, I realised what a big mistake that was. That cat probably hadn't had a bath for ages, my eyes were sore, my nose IS still running a marathon. BIG MISTAKE.

There's nothing I can do now except wait for the antihistamine to kick in.

I guess a lot of mistakes happens like this. Good intention, wrong method, people get hurt. And the worst is that I have to put a brave face on and bear whatever people say. Isn't guilt more than enough? .... Direct Eisley quote "we're made that way, made to brave the pain..."


Speaking of Eisley, I'm now learning to play Ambulance by Eisley (this band is so cool)

xx

paronychia

superficial infection lateral to the nail plate

 of the Left Index Finger

I've got paronychia from picking at my nails in the psychiatrist's office. It hurts to press on the strings. He must have put a curse on me. I had to do it to stop myself from dozing off and it's "...not appropriate to take notes whilst somebody is telling you their personal problems...." yada yada yada.....


Booooring.

xx

why girl why?

It's so frustrating when I've been practicing so hard and I  never get better. ;-(
There has to be a better way. Why do other people seem to be able to play well JUST LIKE THAT? Why? I practiced, I learned the chords, I read all the how-to's and yet  I'm still stagnant in these waters. My fingers are so ugly and painful and disfigured. I still cannot play this instrument!

My guitars.Oh such a loser, I don't even know how to rotate this!

I saw a lovely red electric guitar today in a charity shop. It costs 50 quid. Hmm tempting. But will need an amp though...must discuss with other people. Or maybe drag somebody to the music shop(s). Hmm...

I'm just stupid.

" video removed because it is socially unacceptable to record your friend's crush... aiseh... "

See? Other people can just pick up any guitar and play. A friend of mine just took the guitar and start playing. Why can't I have the confidence to do that? Why do my knuckles turn white every time I start playing? *sobs*

sigh.

God is GRRRRREAT!

God is wonderful. God is great.

Today, this week, God has been so wonderful to me. I've never felt this blessed before. Dear God, please make this feelings last, don't let me go astray ever. I'm so happy at this moment and I want everybody else to feel this way. Please help my friends and family, let them be faithful Servants to You, and let them feel your Blessings and Grace in their lives.

I humbly confess to you that there are a lot of times when I feel that You abandoned me when I needed You the most, that Your Commands are sometimes too heavy for me to carry and countless many darkened days that I was angry at You.

It was the lack of Faith in You that brought me to the deep abyss I was in. How full of Grace and Compassionate You are that You are willing to take this ungrateful creature back into Your light. Forgive me Dear God and "..Don't ever let me come back down, or even live a day apart from You.."

 Hello...
I stood there, lost again,
Strong lights beamed,
I almost couldn't see,
The Sign it was there,
But I was blind.

How you lifted me up,
To rise above what,
Was the darkness in my heart,
And the path lit up,
With glowing glow,
Of the forest snow.

Take me please,
Wherever You are,
I don't want to be lost again,
I don't want to be chained,
To this petty world,
Where sins and goodliness,
Chase each other around,
Save me from this tangle,
Of confusion I can't get out.

this is why you shouldn't let medical students cannulate you.

ooooo......today Mr Postman dropped off a lovely surprise for me from a very very very sweet male.

hehehehehe.....you're so lovely.

and my housemate is crazy. She tried to cannulate us all.

                                                       2nd attempt at Right Cubital Fossa

 

Success!

 

After cannulation 

 

Make-shift Phlebotomy Trolley:

a) Sharps bin

b) Bandages

c) Equipment bag

 

Bloody

 

Ouch. 

Ergh, I'm so rough. This house is filled with rough people.

heheheh

Oooh..so sleepy... need some sleep STAT..(eh macam dlm ER plak eheheh)
okay so this post is not going to be one of my stupid emotional posts...I am actually going to make this sounds upbeat.*yeah! yeah!!*

  hmmm..some people have been pestering me to put their pictures in my blog....so uh, here goes, what I really THINK of you!!!! mwahahahahah!!!

somebody trying to be creative

the prettiest girl in checkered shirt, creature at the back

i think you're cute

you make a cute couple! ^-^

hi!

this picture is so cute.

study partner and life saver.

hand decorated!

I'm too lazy to upload pictures on facebook or blog okay.


Erh.....Dr T is being so weird. I don't want to talk in front of a room full of people and I especially don't want to talk on the phone about this. Please let me go. I don't want that amazon voucher. You're putting too much pressure on me.

You would think paediatrics will be miles easier than medicine and surgery, but it's only day 4 and I am dreading every step I take in the Children Hospital. Why why why? Please kid, please don't cry when you look at me. I can't help it that my stethescope is cold, and if I am unable to play with you. I am scared shitless ok, I am probably more scared of you than you are of me.

This is Haarithah being a musical prodigy? This is Iggle Piggle's song.






 Also another pathetic attempt at sewing. I sewn this together and thought it was alright when suddenly housemate came in and said "eh ni kau memang nak senget eh....." epic FAIL and waste of 20 mins.

I WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS.

xoxo

I hate?

This is a very stressful week and i'm not even done with it. To any extra fartsy burden, go away please. I'm too tired to care.

On a brighter note, I just upgraded my phone to the new HTC Desire!! yahoooo!!!
And I wish I saw this before I opened my big mouth.


xoxo