Wednesday 30 June 2010

Badminton?

I got a shock today when I saw this guy sitting with my Makwe at the dining table.




He's my cousin of same age, and we grew up together. I remember he used to run around my house naked (and to this day I still have a couple of photographic proofs!!). Because we're the same age our parents really liked to take pictures of me kissing him. O my G. But I do miss those days though! We've grown apart now, I hardly ever talk to him, which is a shame because we used to go to school together until Standard 6.

My Makwe has a swollen face because she fell and hit her head on the post 2 days before my engagement.

Oh but this post is not on the random things that happened today. Just some musings I had floating around in my head.

1. My cousin started to play badminton in the last 2 months. I know he didn't have any proper lessons but he said playing badminton helped him to lose weight. He lost 20kgs in 2 months!

This is a divine sign that I should take up badminton. I've been toying with this idea for a long time now, so maybe now is a good time to start.


2. In a recent Nat Geo article on the 'New' South Africa:

"...racism will imprisoned you. You will be a prisoner of both your mind and your heart.."

3. In the book by Ust Hasrizal (i've finished it !!) he said that good children are moulded by good wives...... I've got 2 years to be a good person. O my G.

4. I read an article about the 99 names of Allah.

He is also known as Al-Wahhab----> The Giver of All
There are 5 components to this:

a) He gives without asking for reward.
b) He gives and gives and gives.
c)He gives without being asked.
d) He gives precious givings
e) He gives something that is good to generate good.

all of these which incidentally correlates to our parents characteristics!!

LOVE OUR PARENTS!

xx

Monday 28 June 2010

New day!


Today I went out with my girlies. Got home at 9.15pm.... and started reading ' Aku terima nikahnya' by saifulislam (thanks to hud hud)..oh so not me. Survived until page 55, will continue reading it tomorrow, it's actually an easy reading book.

So anyways, my musing for today is that, if somebody up there is listening, I am so Lost. Too many lost souls down here, and I'm drowning in this sea of sins. So here goes my POTD as promised.

'But if they listen not to you, know that they only follow their own lusts, and who is more astray than one who follows his own lusts, devoid of guidance from Allah? For Allah guides not people given to wrong doing.' surah Al-Qasas:50

I found this verse in one of my tabs in my Quran. So many wrong doings, will He still find room to guide me?

p/s: guitar's doing great. I've got to stop putting the capo on the 2nd fret!

xx

Sunday 27 June 2010

The mundane

Practical things leading to my engagement that I've learnt.

1. I love you sis, but that is the last time you will be my make-up artist. I liked what you did but I wasn't head over heels with the result if you get what I mean. You have got great make-up skills, but I think we have different ideas as to what 'fresh' implies. I think it's harder if you have a makeup artist you are NOT paying for, because than you're just a canvas BUT if you hire a real makeup artist, you are the CLIENT. You have the power of making comments.

2. Smile and enjoy the day. I felt so relaxed and happy that I just smiled like a moron at everyone. Great!!

3. Corset is not an option ever again.

4. Neither will see through lining. What's the fricking point of lining if you can see my skin?

5. Do the dress way earlier than 2 weeks before.

6. Don't forget to pick up dry cleaning!

7. Dark liner is ugly on me.

8. DON'T FORGET HEELS.

9. Buff nails the night before.

10. Get girlfriends to be involved in the process of getting ready your dress/beautification etc etc. Feels so good to indulge ourselves!

11. Should've got a pedi and a meni. Felt self conscious about my ugly paws.

12. Watch what you eat.

13. Facial is a must.

14. Deodorant and lots of perfume because Malaysia is hot.

15. Ariani is fricking expensive.

16. RSVP is good.

17.Eat breakfast.

18. Get involved with hantaran/door gifts. I LOVE THEM ALL! so personal and meaningful!

19. Empty both bladder and bowels before putting makeup on.

20. Wear button down shirts for easier removal after makeup.

21. Skin socks save feet from getting blisters.

22. Make a list of things to do.

23. Have lots of safety pins, cotton pads and cotton buds.

24. Fix hantaran tray way earlier.

25. Fresh flowers are lovely but the combination of lilies and roses are not that pretty actually.

26. Thank everyone who helped.

27. It helps if you actually liked/loved the person you're getting engaged to!

xx

The serious

The titles says it all. This post will be the serious musings of the past days leading to the happy day that today is. If Germany wins tonight, it will be the cherry on top of a very (very) delicious cake.

Oit fiance, i know you read my blog. Thanks for today! I loved every minute of it. My bro-in-law said that your head circumference IS on the deep end of the large pool. I love your big head!

1. Small talks really make me want to vomit. I've seen even perfectly respectable adults make themselves look really silly with mundane conversation. I hate yakking. I hate myself when i yak too much. Mental note: don't yak so much, you WILL look silly proyo.

2. " I wasn't the best student, I wasn't the best athlete, in fact I don't have any talents at all. But what I had was the ability to control my time. I can divide and use my time to the best of my advantage" Ryan Seacrest. Ohhh he was a fat kid when he was young. Look at him now! Right, the mission to be a better person will be coupled with a conscious effort to use my time (WISELY)...stop reading CLEO for a start.

3. Am I too naive? Are people really not very nice? Maybe. I always like to include everybody (because seriously nobody likes to be left out) but it seems to be the trend now to be very selective of who one lets into ones clique/study group/society etc etc. This trend goes not only to students but also goes deep into families! Well, in my extended family that is. Oh dear friend, I love you very much, but honestly I was taken aback with what you said. I didn't know WE were going to be that cliquey. I don't know what to feel now. I don't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe it's childish to think that everyone will be nice to everyone. But I don't want to be a mean person. It really makes me sad that I can't have my innocence back. It really hurts me. I used to be a person who likes everyone. I never hated any of my classmates. Even when there was a big girl who was mean to me in school, I never really hated her. I just tuned her out. Come to think of it, that time of my life was great. I didn't have so much hate and hurt in my life. I loved everyone. As I get through other stages in life though, life just gets meaner. I see so called friends hurt each other. Family members talked smack behind each other's back. What? Did somebody switched on the MEAN switch somewehere?

Well, not that I want to self-pity myself, but there were times in my life that I was hurt so bad that I really want to do veterinary instead of medicine. People act worse than animals, might as well treat the cute fluffy ones than smelly back-stabbing, shit-talking brainless homosapiens who only think of their own lusts all the time. And what's worse, all of these shit that has happened to me/around me made me a very MEAN and untrusting person. I don't like how I think now. I really don't. Where is the girl who used to like everyone? Why am I now so suspicious of everyone? I don't trust anybody except only a few people now. But I can't be the trusting girl I used to be can I ?I have to protect myself from being hurt by others. But why are people so mean that they can hurt their 'friends'? Sneaking behind others, just waiting for an opportunity to bring others down. Being so exclusive, choosing A over B because A is sooo much better than poor B who is trying. It's alright B, I'll be your friend. We're in the same boat. We are not good enough.

Time, I hate you! (again, HATRED is in the air) You changed my friends. I loved them so much. What happened to them? What happened to us? I love you dear, I really do. How could you say that? You used to be really friendly to everyone. You were even more friendly than me.

I think that's why fiance and me go so well together. We like everybody or at least try and be the bigger person in an argument. Since I've got a short fuse, he always tells me to be the bigger person and just chill/forget about it/ sleep on my anger. Really good advice dear, you have got such a kind heart. You've been hurt too I know, but you've handled your hurt and anger so well, I wish I have your patience. No point having grudges or being hurt by people's actions. You can always go and shout somewhere if you are really angry. Be the bigger person.

4. I'm sorry for raising my voice at you. I should have lifted my heavy ass to attend to your needs.

5. I want you to know that even if don't approve of your way of life, I am no better than you. I make worse mistakes than I've ever dared to admit to you. I am really very happy for you.

6. It's very hard to be happy for people when you feel like your life is a bucket of shit floating on a sea of shit. The thing is your life is NOT the bucket of shit you think it is. There will always be other people wading knee deep in a sea of shit. They might look like they're riding on cloud 9, but they have their own challenges in life. Life is just that. I have to try now, to always be happy for people, to start loving people for who they are, to forgive and forget, and not talk smack about people. My life may not be as glamourous as I would like it to be. But at least I've got a great family, a super duper lovely fiance, guitar, cats, friends, brains.........too much that I should spend my time being thankful to Him than mulling over my anger and disapointments. Hence, I will be happy for everyone.

7. Just now, as I walked past her, I saw what she was watching on tv. That lady in the programme was saying how thankful she was (being a revert) that God gave her the Light. And how she is praying rather frantically to God to give her family what He gave her. How on earth did I end up being such an ungrateful creature that I am now? Always thinking that life is unfair and all, and never taking a moment to be thankful to Him. Okay fiance, I will start my POTD everyday(starting tomorrow).

8. Hey fiance, I love you okay. You've been so good to me. You're the nicest person that I know. I don't care if they say you're not good enough/ no potential or whatever..( how dare they? If they're so full of bloody potential, why can't they make you a better person already?)

xx

Wednesday 23 June 2010

Misconception


Bangi trip was fun! Guitar wise too!

I always had the misconception than one has to be the best guitarist (in a band) to be the lead guitarist,ergo, the rhythm and bass guitarists are the second bests. Last night I found that this assumption is so not true. This guitarist told me that although he can shred a guitar, he would rather play rhythm and leave the shredding of riffs for someone else. And this coming from a person who frontlines a band! ( a pretty decent one too!)

So this got me thinking that it doesn't matter that all I can play now are simple strumming songs because the best guitarist does not have to be the likes of Steve Vai et al. But oh dear, what wouldn't I give for the ability to shred a guitar like Satriani, Clapton etc etc??

Also, he told me that he likes to try playing chords in different ways.

eg: Em on the 7th fret as opposed to "normal" Em. giving the melodies a different feel to them.

Hmm, I might try this out one day. But for now, I'm grateful for the fact that I can differentiate E and Em.Will train the ears more! I read somewhere that the Beatles always made up their own chords, that's why their songs are just so soothing to the ears.


And just got a list of alternative bands i SHOULD check out. I'm listening now to Interpol-Evil, I kinda digg this!!!

okay, back to practicing on this old classical guitar!!

xx

Monday 21 June 2010

FacE OFF.


Beautician will always be beautician. As I walked in her treatment room, her first comment was " waa Sara, you've put on weight eh"... thanks.

Beauty is definitely skin deep. Having facials don't make me a better person. Except of course, sparing the world from seeing this ugly face gets even uglier. Just think, right, I get rid of my facial hair, and then it would be.." oh wait, your eyebrows are messy"...right do the eyebrow, then.."oh wait you've got blackheads"...right,take them out then.."oh wait, your skin is darker over here,might need some peeling.."..... and she successfully peeled my skin off. Also managed to pluck my hair out. Definitely very painful. And RM80 poorer. If I walked into a casting agent right now, will I be booked? Definitely not. My teeth would not be straight/white etc enough. Too fat around the hips. Too short etc etc. So who am I trying to impress? Life is way too short to be mulling over one's look. As long as you looked decent, (and not dirty/smelly) you'll be fine.


..... I miss my guitar.

Wednesday 16 June 2010

Gemuk dan hodoh


This is not me.This creature is definitely not me. But both are sporting Spring /Summer Collection House of Yoyo. (aish I have got to sleep)


This girl thought she can convincEd her brother to take up guitar. NOT! People quit too soon! of course it's painful when you're building up calluses but give it another 2 months and you're fine!

Ooooh, I do feel like an idiot. I should've taken guitar lessons way back because I just LOVE this instrument so much. Cheers me up when I feel sad, or lonely or angry, or when I want to stop yakking..or eating... I bet I've managed not to gain weight even after exams by playing guitar (you can't play with greasy fingers!)

anywhos, today was fun (again!). Managed to get lost in SOUTH EAST ASIA's Biggest Jusco. Nearly cried when I lost my Car in the HUGE CAR PARK, definitely cried when I lost the PARKING TICKET. Pakcik belakang gelakkan saye sebab saye pendek dan terpakse berdiri untuk masukkan tiket dalam machine itu. Jahatnye pakcik. I DO NOT LIKE you.

Tomorrow kawan saye yang cantik bagaikan model indonesia itu akan membawa saye yang gemuk dan hodoh ke rawatan rambut. Oh I'm going to hate her.


I forgot to say thank you today. Thank you God for the lovely things You gave me today. Please make me a better person tomorrow.

Gemuk dan hodoh. Yeah so beauty is skin deep.I know. But still! I hate being gemuk dan hodoh. Some people can eat like a cow and still maintain their slimness. Saye makan semangkuk cereal lebih sikit je dh naik 1 kg. Stopped running for week naik 1kg.

argh. argh. xx

Monday 14 June 2010

pengat durian

Such a beautiful day today! Thank you dear God. Your bounty is everywhere, Your Mercy is in the air. Even the cats looked extra happy today.

Grandma made her effortless coconut-free pengat durian. yummy... I miss my grandma so much when I'm in Bristol. Her cooking is just heavenly. *tears*

Steps to make coconut free pengat durian:

Ingredients

3 Durians
1/2 packet Gula Merah (muscavado sugar?)
1/2 carton low fat milk
white sugar to taste




1. Cook muscavado sugar with water.
2. Strain the solution.
3. Add durian.
4. Add milk.
5. Add sugar/ more milk to taste.

6. End product.
xx

Tired and weird

I took this picture of Mrs Ricey when I was in 1st Year. This was the year when I realised that people are not very nice. That fact was scary. At first.
This is a picture of Nevada, my handsome guinea pig. He's hot and he eats a lot. I miss him. I took care of him when I was in second year. I liked second year. It was a year of mistakes and redemption.
My parents went the extra effort to bring me to Tasik Bera just because I said I haven't been to Tasik Bera. Love your parents please!

Today was fun! Thank you God.

This blog is so going to be un-guitar. Ergh.

Went out with a dear friend, thank God she's happy now. Made plans to go for a fun Bangi trip with the gals today yeay!

I still have the flu today. Sore throat + headache+ runny nose...NOT attractive at all. Considering my sickness, still managed to watch all the football matches and eat like there's no tomorrow. I will NOT fit in my kebaya now. Ergh.

I ditched Othello for CLEO today, so much for sharpening my brain!

Oh dear, well, I think I'm succeeding in converting a certain someone to love guitar as much as I do....hehehe.. Everybody deserves to be introduced to this wonderful instrument, it's a life saver! Although she wasn't duly impressed with my guitar skills (blame the classical guitar! ergh) I can tell she is really interested to learn how to play this great instrument. Oh! How I wish somebody could teach me guitar always.I hate begging for lessons but don't have enough money for proper lessons!


Counting the days now. oh...

xx

Sunday 13 June 2010

Tired and jet lag


After the tiring 24 hours journey, which surprisingly didn't feel so bad with him by my side (thanks darling! I'm staying up to watch Germany now!) I now feel extremely woozy.

Yeay! I got to choose the design for my engagement dress, which will be gorgeous!! (hopefully) I went full on: a corset + kota bharu top + straight line skirt .. chiffon and silk lining underneath from Arab Street Singapore. This is fun!

I'm 112 pages through Soseki Natsume's I Am A Cat. Slow progress. My head hurts whenever I start reading. I think I'm down with a flu.

Sat with my grandma and adik in the evening. Lovely feeling, we sat down and just chill out, eating fresh durians, the storm on the horizon, Starchup lazing around like an old dog..I love that cat. Wish I had a camera though, that was such a pretty scene.

The sky must be God's painting canvas. It was soooo beautiful.

1am: Sky blue

5pm: Dark grey

6pm: Rusty Yellow

7pm: Soft Dark Pink

7.30pm: Dark Blue

8pm: Pitch Black

Started strumming the guitar in my room, just realised how weird it feels to play on a classical guitar. The neck is wider, so my hand hurts more when I warp it around the neck. It sounds weird when I strum. Do not like classical guitar.

Managed to figure out the memory problem. !!!

Okay, I feel really sick.

Thursday 10 June 2010

Redemption


I'm sooo tired from all the packing. Surely owning this much junk is a criminal offense!

Well, these couple of days have been really hard on me. Physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. I just want to roll over and pass out. To make things worse, i've packed my guitar(s) away!! ohhhhh.....


Exam went terribly wrong. Moving out was a disaster. New ipod (and macbook) was a hellish ordeal. Going back home is a long and expensive journey. Butterflies about the upcoming engagement makes everything seemed black and surreal. I don't feel like I'm living anymore. My knees hurt so much.

Anyways, i've been wanting to write about this for quite a while. Yesterday somebody told me something that was quite a shock. She said that even though I don't look like I'm a good person, I'm actually trying. She's so wrong. I've given up trying a long time ago.

I've always felt that one is either intrinsically good or intrisically bad. I belong to the lattter. I'm a bad person inside and out. I don't like being bad. But I don't like being good either. I'm somewhere in between.

I've been thinking lately, that, people always say that they're still searching for the light. Are they actively looking for it or are they just waiting for it to fall on their laps?

I'm so far from salvation right now that I haven't feel blessed for so long. Too long. Maybe these misfortunes that I am going through are His way of bringing me back to Him. Don't know, I don't think He wants me though. I'm a wicked soul full of sins and blasphemy. To think I actually enjoyed being like this. Proves that I'm a rotten person.

Oh well, since I'm already jaded to the neck, I better start swimming to the shore now. If I drown halfway, at least I've tried. What good would come out if I spend my days dreaming aboout being somebody who I'm not? I can only change myself.

Okay, I need Your help. I really do. I'm going to drown alone if You don't help me. I'll find my salvation by myself. Get that spark inside me first, then turn to others to build up on it. FIND IT FIRST.


Can you hear me?

Too tired to tread,
The waters are too deep,
The waves are rolling,
Rocking away my ship.

These delusions I see,
Are just images in time,
Too frail to stand and weep,
Against the odds by the side.

If You can hear me,
If You want to,
I am learning the strokes now,
At the end of the sea,

It's hard to believe,
Something you don't know,
Harder still to follow,
What others show.

I might be damned,
I might be scarred,
I might be broken,
But I will not marr.

This beautiful life You gave me,
I will make it beautiful,
Even if I falter,
I will make it fruitful,
Just to please You.


xx

Sunday 6 June 2010

Note to self

To do after exam:

a) Clean room
b) Pack Junk
c) Buy Ipod (?)
d) Camera?
e) Write all the stuff I want to write.
f) Use book voucher

???

xx

Thursday 3 June 2010

Time


Mr Murakami is wrong. Nobody is that mature at the age of 20. Heck i'm inching 22 yrs of age and still act like a 12 yr old. Maybe I am still 12. Stuck in a 22 yr old body. Late bloomer.

Hah Mr Murakami, I don't believe there's any 20 yrs old whose mature and wise enough to be that thoughtful and different. Most ppl I know still chase adolescent dreams well into their 20s. Self included. I hate being this immature.ergh.

I wish.... I wish.... I wish..... erm...yesterday I saw a homeless guy drinking coffee and eating leftovers FROM A BIN! poor guy.

I wish I could turn back time and rectify all my foolish mistakes.

Ode to Time

Time,
You went past me without so much of a hello,
How was I supposed to know,
That you're not coming back,
That with every broken heart,
You will and will not mend,
I tried so hard,
Memorising this and that,
Right words to say,
Right game to play,
Too late I realised,
You never stay,
Never stop for no one,
So I will sit here tight,
Wishing you would stop,
And carry me back,
Back when everything was right.



It's time like this I can hear "time's winged chariot" hurrying near!

xx

Tuesday 1 June 2010

Sickness


Too many things happened yesterday.

1. The most significant is of course, how the cursed Israelian army raided an aid (AID) flotilla. It's just too much.


2. He said he didn't do too well on his exam. I hope he'll get by. He worked really hard for this. I can tell he was really down in the dumps yesterday.


3. Fell sick yesterday. Stupidly didn't bring my inhaler with me. Suffered through the night wheezing. Vomitus. Almost blacked out this morning. With the help of a sympathetic friend, managed to crawl into bed.


....today shall be a better day! I learnt a lot from yesterday. Will write again later today.



xx