Redemption

I'm sooo tired from all the packing. Surely owning this much junk is a criminal offense!

Well, these couple of days have been really hard on me. Physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. I just want to roll over and pass out. To make things worse, i've packed my guitar(s) away!! ohhhhh.....


Exam went terribly wrong. Moving out was a disaster. New ipod (and macbook) was a hellish ordeal. Going back home is a long and expensive journey. Butterflies about the upcoming engagement makes everything seemed black and surreal. I don't feel like I'm living anymore. My knees hurt so much.

Anyways, i've been wanting to write about this for quite a while. Yesterday somebody told me something that was quite a shock. She said that even though I don't look like I'm a good person, I'm actually trying. She's so wrong. I've given up trying a long time ago.

I've always felt that one is either intrinsically good or intrisically bad. I belong to the lattter. I'm a bad person inside and out. I don't like being bad. But I don't like being good either. I'm somewhere in between.

I've been thinking lately, that, people always say that they're still searching for the light. Are they actively looking for it or are they just waiting for it to fall on their laps?

I'm so far from salvation right now that I haven't feel blessed for so long. Too long. Maybe these misfortunes that I am going through are His way of bringing me back to Him. Don't know, I don't think He wants me though. I'm a wicked soul full of sins and blasphemy. To think I actually enjoyed being like this. Proves that I'm a rotten person.

Oh well, since I'm already jaded to the neck, I better start swimming to the shore now. If I drown halfway, at least I've tried. What good would come out if I spend my days dreaming aboout being somebody who I'm not? I can only change myself.

Okay, I need Your help. I really do. I'm going to drown alone if You don't help me. I'll find my salvation by myself. Get that spark inside me first, then turn to others to build up on it. FIND IT FIRST.


Can you hear me?

Too tired to tread,
The waters are too deep,
The waves are rolling,
Rocking away my ship.

These delusions I see,
Are just images in time,
Too frail to stand and weep,
Against the odds by the side.

If You can hear me,
If You want to,
I am learning the strokes now,
At the end of the sea,

It's hard to believe,
Something you don't know,
Harder still to follow,
What others show.

I might be damned,
I might be scarred,
I might be broken,
But I will not marr.

This beautiful life You gave me,
I will make it beautiful,
Even if I falter,
I will make it fruitful,
Just to please You.


xx